Despite what Elon says on Twitter, this shirt will not make you (or likely your Cybertruck) resistant to small arms fire.
Listen, I think it’s safe to say that by now, Tesla’s penchant for corny stuff is well-known. Remember fart mode, or that fake submarine mode? Exactly. So it should come as no surprise that the Silicon Valley EV company is now offering a T-shirt commemorating the time Franz von Holzhausen broke the Cybertruck’s “bulletproof” window with a big steel ball.
The T-shirt is absurdly expensive at $45, but hey, it’s official Tesla merch, and for some fans of the brand, there simply is no substitute. Tesla boss Elon Musk even took to Twitter (as he is wont to do) to promote the shirt with some wildly false claims about its abilities (sound familiar?). If that T-shirt is a little too rich for your blood, there’s also a trucker hat with a Cybertruck logo that could be mistaken for some kind of roofing company logo. It’s only $30.
But hey, don’t think for a second that Tesla is the only company cashing in on Cybertruck mania. For example, a company called CustomBobble is now offering a bobblehead figure of Elon Musk riding in a tiny Cybertruck. It’s even more heinously- priced than the T-shirt at over $130, but it seems as though the company will replace Elon’s head with one based on your own submitted image, if you’re into that.
What if you want some bootleg Cybertruck swag like coffee mugs, stickers, hoodies or even a phone case? Well, the fine folks from the “CyberTruck Fan Club” on Etsy have you covered. How about 3D-printed Cybertruck models of varying scale and dubious quality? Boom. Etsy’s got you again.
Etsy too niche for you? Fire up Amazon then, because it’s got you, my dudes. You can turn to Mr. Bezos’ wonder emporium for a Cybertruck beach towel or a very, very ugly hoodie — both of which should never be used, only hate-gifted to your enemies. How about a novelty parking sign that threatens to electrocute non-Cybertruck owners if they park in your spot? Of course, that’s available, too.
At last, you can get your own (oversized) mug on a custom Tesla Cybertruck bobblehead doll.
What about something for your ears? Something you can blast out of your Model X with its falcon doors up to let people know that you’re absolutely whatever the Tesla equivalent of a Juggalo is? Amazon Music and DJ Fitte are extremely here for you with the appropriately named song “Cybertruck.”
In any case, the point we’re trying to get at is that even though the wait for Tesla’s Cybertruck might feel interminable, you’ve got tons of ways to spend your money that are angry stainless steel doorstop-adjacent in the meantime, so don’t despair.
Tesla Cybertruck: First ride in the pickup of the future
All copyrights for this article are reserved to CNET